August 14 Meeting Update: Stay Healthy & Make Your Bed

Six people attended. During sharing, we talked about advertising: when should it be done and how? Some said it's awkward to do it at the beginning of a conversation or presentation because it sets the wrong tone; for others it's extremely helpful because it takes the pressure off the situation. Everyone agreed that it's important to figure out what works for each of us individually.

When one group member was open about his stutter at work, he found out that his boss stutters too, and they talked about the best way to deal with it. After a presentation, the boss told him, "It's brutal, but you have to go through this." Sometimes that's the truth: we can't avoid difficult situations and have to struggle our way through as best  we can.

How can we stay calm in such  situations? Here are some ideas: get enough sleep, exercise regularly, take your vitamins, and stay in good physical health. Also, try to control the pace of a conversation even if it's only for one minute. Take the time to pause and speak at the rate that's right for you not for your listener. Set a goal to do this one sentence at a time, then go to two sentences, three, and so on.

Another group member shared an idea he heard from a Navy Seal: make your bed! Even if your day descends into chaos afterwards, even if everything goes wrong, you did something that was in your power to do and that gives you a sense of control over your life. We can't control many things that happen to us. However, there are other things that we can control, and it's important to identify them and act on them. Find out where you can you make a difference and do it.

Finally, we looked at an article about Jeffrey Gurian, a PWS who developed a program to recover from stuttering. Our group concluded that his ideas are a mixed bag, but there are valuable bits that we can learn from.

July 24 Meeting Update

Seven members were present  - excellent attendance for a mid-summer meeting. Come to think of it, seven attendees isn't bad for the rest of the year either. Thanks to those who attended. Sadly, we are losing one member who is moving to Denver to attend pharmacy graduate school at the University of Colorado. Good luck to Tabith! Keep in touch. However, we have also gained a new member - welcome Mike! 

This meeting was unusual due to events beyond our control. On the way to the meeting, this writer & others ran into traffic: fire engines & police cars racing to a fire somewhere (I only saw smoke), compounded by traffic lights being out in several places, which caused a massive traffic jam.  I was 15 minutes late. Then, the power had partially gone out in the building where we meet, so we met outside sitting on concrete & bricks. This wasn't so bad, as it had cooled down by then, but with about 10 minutes left in an already abbreviated meeting, a security guard told us we had to vacate the premises - something about they wanted everybody off the entire property. 

In spite of all this, we had a good meeting. We opened with introductions along with the question: What is one of your favorite books or movies? Answers included "Catcher in the Rye," "America: Imagine a World Without Her," "Lone Survivor," "Self-Therapy for the Stutterer," "Ulysses" &  "Rain Man." The self-therapy book, by the way, is published by the "Stuttering Foundation" in Memphis, Tennessee -  www.stutteringhelp.org. I have a copy I bought almost 20 years ago.

We then picked up where we left off last time, the topics for discussion being: "What advice would you give to parents of children who stutter?" & "Do you wish your parents had done anything different with respect to your stuttering?" One member said parents should try to get their stuttering child in contact with other kids who stutter, showing the child he's not alone in his stuttering. There was general agreement that the isolation that many stutterers feel as children only adds to the problem. The kids could serve as each other's advocates. Another member talked about the importance of the parents getting the child into speech therapy with a therapist who specializes in stuttering. An excellent point, as kids who stutter are sometimes lumped together with kids who have other types of speech impediments. All agreed that good rapport between the child & therapist is essential. Some members brought up the fact that in public school settings, children are often "yanked" out of a class for speech therapy. This can stigmatize the child in the eyes of classmates, who are wondering where he's been mysteriously taken. It would be an improvement if the parents worked with the school to avoid this.  The importance of parents not reacting in a negative manner to their kid's stuttering was discussed. It's sad that some parents have to be told this. A related point was made by one member who brought up the quote by Wendell Johnson: "Stuttering begins not in the mouth of the child, but in the ear of the parent." To me this means that some parents, even before the child himself becomes aware of his stuttering, start to behave in such a way that the child senses their displeasure - not a good scenario.  A couple of members said stuttering was never brought up in their households when they were kids. This might be almost as bad as negative reactions, as the child could feel isolated in his own home. One member said stuttering was never brought up when he was a child even though his own mother stuttered - an interesting and probably not common happening. Another member said the only hint his parents gave about his stuttering was his mother telling him sometimes to "slow down." 

One newer member talked about how he used to hate other stutterers & avoided stuttering support  groups so as to not be around them. He eventually realized this was because he hated himself because of his stuttering. He's since been in an intensive stuttering therapy program where he was around other stutterers almost constantly every day for three weeks. Quite a turn around. He learned to no longer hate himself or others who stutter & to think more positively about his stuttering. A member talked about how, in stuttering,  "control is everything."  He said if you can control your stuttering, you "own it." This is an interesting idea with a lot of truth in it.  

That's all for now, folks. Not bad for a 50 minute meeting, huh? Now let's pause for a moment in memory of Thomas Erdelyi, better known as Tommy Ramone, the original drummer for The Ramones, who recently went up to that big recording studio in the sky. (If you don't know who the Ramones were, stuttering isn't your only problem.)

Next meeting is on Thursday, August 14 led by Matt & Mihaela. Remember the mantra: 2nd & 4th Thursdays - Kaiser - 5:45.

July 10 Meeting Update: Be Present

During introductions, one group member shared an incident at the grocery store: he stuttered while asking where a product was, and the person he was speaking to laughed. This is a fear many of us have. It's not just fear of the laughter, but fear of not knowing how to respond to the laughter and how to deal with the feelings of shame it can cause.

Here's the simple but difficult answer: tell the other person about your stutter. It may feel weird to have this conversation during a casual encounter. After all, is it really worth it to talk about your stutter with the dry cleaning clerk or the person taking your order at Subway? It takes time, and everybody's always in a hurry.

It matters, though, because of the amazing effect that being open about stuttering has on our lives. One member shared how during a game with his friends he told everyone, at the start, that he stutters. Because he stopped worrying about his stutter, he really enjoyed the game! Many of us have been in social situations where we're so worried about stuttering that we miss everything else going on around us. We don't remember the names of people we've met; we don't really hear what they have to say. We're absent from our own lives!

Another question that came up was what to do when you get pulled over by the police, since a stutter is often seen as a sign of drunkenness. A great suggestion by a group member was to get a note from your doctor that you stutter, which you can hand to the police officer. It may seem like the easy way out. But in spite of our best intentions, sometimes nervousness takes over and we can't control our stutter very well. It's good to help ourselves in any way we can.

Towards the end of the meeting we talked about the World Cup and had some lively exchanges. Enjoy the final game on Sunday! And remember to be present for your own life. Don't let stuttering stand between you and all the many wonderful things out there to be learned and experienced.

June 26 Meeting Update

Five members were present including two new members - welcome Josh & Theo! One new member talked about an intensive 3 week speech therapy program he recently completed in Boston - The New England Fluency Program. The program is run by one Adriana DiGrande, a Speech Language Pathologist and Board Certified Specialist-Fluency. It is very intense, going from 8:30AM to 3:30PM daily plus "homework assignments." The new member had very high praise for the program, saying it changed his life mainly by changing his attitude toward his stuttering. He had been hiding his stuttering a great deal, & one major thing the program did was to get him to stop this or at least do it much less. The program helped him not to avoid or substitute words. One interesting part of the program was a "homework assignment" in which he & others stopped people at random in Boston Common & asked them if they would take part in a survey about stuttering. The new member talked about how once he got past the "mental aspects" of stuttering (eg. the hiding, shame, embarrassment & negative attitude toward stuttering), his fluency got better by itself. One actual technique he mentioned was "stabilizing the 1st sound" - elongating the 1st sound or syllable of a word for 2 seconds.

We then went to the old standby: Table Topics. We each talked for about 5 minutes. Topics included: Baseball, Is there intelligent life on other planets?, World Cup soccer, Vacations & If the opportunity arose would you go to Mars? One member would go to Mars only if there were parking - there's always one wise guy in the group. These topics led to some lively offshoot conversations. A side topic was: Do you stutter in your dreams? One person said lately he has been stuttering in his dreams & even in the same way he stutters when awake - hiding, substitutions, etc. I wonder what the Freudian implications of this are.

We talked a little about stuttering in other languages. Two members that were present speak another language besides English & another member speaks two other languages. All said they stuttered more in the languages other than English.

There was a little time remaining so we began a conversation on: What advice would you give parents of children who stutter? & Do you wish your parents had done anything different in relation to your stuttering? One piece of advice offered was: Don't give advice (such as "slow down") if you don't know what you're doing. Another piece of advice was to get the child into speech therapy as soon as possible. There was general agreement on this one, as it is well established that the earlier a child who stutters starts speech therapy, the greater the chances that he'll stop stuttering. One person mentioned a speech pathologist at Temple University in Philadelphia, Woody Starkweather, who claimed close to a 100% success rate for stuttering children brought to him at a young enough age. I personally think it's crucial to get a stuttering child into speech therapy before he becomes aware of his own stuttering - usually about 7 or 8. One member said he didn't really become aware of his stuttering until age 12, but I think this is an exception. We agreed to continue these two topics at the next "4th Thursday" meeting.

That's it folks. The attendance again wasn't great, but the quality of the meeting made up for it.

The next meeting, led by Matt & Mihaela, is Thursday, July 10 at 5:45 PM at Kaiser. Remember the mantra: 2nd & 4th Thursdays - 5:45 - Kaiser. That's as easy to remember as OOOOMMMMMM. Come to the meetings!

Have a good 4th of July. Remember: light the fuse to the firecracker, not your finger.

June 12 Meeting Update: Challenging Assumptions

Five people attended our meeting. After reading the Welcoming Words and introducing ourselves, we had a free-flowing discussion that kept returning to the idea of challenging assumptions about stuttering. It's our most important responsibility as people who stutter, and also the most difficult one, because many of us have internalized these assumptions without really examining them to determine if they're right or wrong.

One person in our group was told by his boss that his stutter was going to be a problem in an upcoming oral examination. Our group member gave the perfect reply: Why? He studied hard, he knows the material, and taking longer to give the right answers doesn't change the fact that they're the right answers. Stuttering doesn't cancel out competence. Self-confidence doesn't just depend on how fluent we are when we speak. Many people don't believe this. But it's up to us to show them that it's true.

Another person in our group had to give a last-minute presentation at work. It didn't go as well as he would've liked, in part because he didn't have a lot of time to prepare. He received positive feedback about the presentation, as well as advice to practice more. But he questioned whether he deserved to be paid for his work since he couldn't give presentations as well as fluent speakers.

But why do we assume that fluent speakers are by default good presenters? I've heard many who aren't. And why do we assume that our stutter cancels out all the other work we do at work? Why not focus on the fact that we are dedicated, finish projects on time, stay late to do extra work?  Many people think that if you sound "weird" when you speak, you must be "weird." It's up to us to show them that they're wrong.

Of course we can continue to work towards fluency, but without making it the be-all and end-all of our lives. One member shared that he's able to maintain fluency when he tries to speak like he writes: using phrasing and punctuating his speech with pauses like commas and periods. Another member said that what feels to him like speaking too slowly sounds "just right" to his listeners. We have to remember that our internal clock as stutterers doesn't keep time properly. We have to retrain our sense of timing in order to stutter more easily and experience fluency.

Sounds like a lot of work! And it is. Often it can be frustrating. But it can also be amazing to change someone's mind, as well as our own, for the better, and to realize how much potential we have as human beings to get better and make the world a better place.

May 22 Meeting Update

There were four members present at the May 22 meeting. To be honest, this low turnout was disappointing. It's almost Newton's 4th Law that NSA meeting attendance drops off greatly in the summer, but it's only May folks! Nevertheless, what the meeting lacked in quantity was made up for in quality. Those of you who weren't there (and we know who you are) missed a very good meeting.

We started with introductions along with the question "Which live musical concert that you've seen in your life stands out in your mind?" (If someone had never seen a live musical concert, the question was: "Who is your favorite musical group or solo artist?") Responses included an Arcade Fire concert, the 2013 Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas, & a King Crimson concert in Philadelphia in 1982. (There's one really old guy in the group.)

Next a discussion was held on the topic: "Should it be against the law for an employer to not hire someone because the person stutters?" (It was understood that there may already be laws against this, based on stuttering being classified as a handicap by the government. The topic was more designed to explore the idea of: do stutterers want or need special protection). The general opinion seemed to be that private employers can hire or not hire someone for any reason, including stuttering. If an employer thinks that a person's stuttering would prevent him from doing the job, it's a valid reason for not hiring him.  One member said that it depended on the job. The same member said he would be hurt for not being hired because of his stuttering. The others agreed on this. Another comment was that it should be illegal to fire someone because of stuttering after being hired. We also talked about how it could be uncomfortable for a stutterer who was hired because it was illegal to not hire him, if his co-workers knew this. His co-workers could reasonably assume he was hired because he stuttered & not in spite of his stuttering, especially if he didn't perform as well as co-workers. This led to the idea that stutterers usually have to work harder to convince people of their abilities on or off the job.

It was hoped that the topic would lead to the concept of handicaps & is stuttering a handicap (& not necessarily the government definition of handicap). One member brought up the interesting point that he can say that stuttering is a handicap, but people who don't stutter cannot or should not. Also, the topic might have led to the question of are stutterers owed anything from others because of their stuttering - i.e. should we expect or deserve special consideration because of our stuttering. One other segue would be: How do stutterers want to be seen by people who don't stutter? All of these could topics for another night.

We concluded with Table Topics where everyone participated. Topics included: "The Most Unforgettable Person You've Known", "Your Ideal Career/Goals", "A Project You've Spent Time On" & "Heavy Equipment" - you guessed it, one member has operated heavy equipment & wants to do it more in the future.

The next meeting is Thursday, June 12 led by Matt & Mihaela.

Those who missed the last meeting (& your numbers are legion) can redeem themselves by coming to the next meeting.

Remember the mantra: 2nd & 4th Thursdays - 5:45PM - Kaiser.

May 8 Meeting Update: The Big Picture

All of us have experienced the peaks and valleys of stuttering: periods of amazing, inexplicable fluency followed by periods of frustrating, inexplicable blocks. The question we focused on at our last meeting was: what keeps you positive during the difficult periods? Here are some of the answers:

• using YouTube videos to practice pronunciation and reading aloud
• taking acting classes
• doing breathing and relaxation exercises
• focusing on long-term goals rather than getting stuck on the setback of the moment
• knowing that after hitting rock bottom, there's only one way to go: up!

It was especially inspiring to hear what a big difference it makes to keep your eye on the big picture,  to emphasize the chances you take with your speech rather than how fluent you are. One member has enrolled in Toastmasters; another has given half-hour and hour-long presentations and is considering a teaching position; another has been proactive in seeking out internships. They're putting themselves out there and not running away from opportunities because they think they'll stutter. And when they do stutter, they focus on moving forward and getting better.

Getting better doesn't just mean being fluent. We talked once again about how what really makes a difference is not to be afraid of stuttering any more. The weight we've felt on our shoulders for many years isn't the stuttering; it's the fear of stuttering. Coping with this fear and not letting it stand in the way is what really changes lives.

Another topic we covered was travel, and how jet lag and lack of sleep affect speech. Not positively, as you might have guessed! We heard some funny-scary stories about experiences at airports. We also talked about how there are things about us that we can't change. We're all wired a certain way and our biology is something we have to accept.

Finally, here's a great quote from Louisa May Alcott: "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."