Thursday, December 19, 2013

Article: Make Peace with Imperfection

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
The following is an excerpt from a new book by Rick Hanson, PhD, which I though would be useful at this time of year. We're all running around dealing with deadlines at work, last minute errands, and visits from family, and the stress keeps mounting. I've stuttered more in the last week than in the last two or three months, and have to remind myself over and over about not getting hung up on being perfect and not giving in to negative thinking. I hope Hanson's article helps you with that as well.

"'Imperfections' are all around, and they include: messes, dirty clothes, weeds, snarled traffic, rain during a picnic, wine stains on carpet; injury, illness, disability, pain; problems, issues, obstructions, losses - including with others; objects that are chipped, frayed, broken; mistakes, errors; confusion, lack of clarity; war, famine, poverty, oppression, injustice.

In a nutshell, an imperfection - as I mean it here - is a departure from a reasonable ideal or standard (e.g., dog poop on your shoe is not ideal, nor is the hunger that afflicts one in six people worldwide). These departures-from-ideal have costs, and it's reasonable to do what you can about them.
But we usually don't leave it at that: we get anxious - uneasy, nervous, troubled, stressed - about imperfection itself, rather than recognizing it as a normal, unavoidable, and widespread aspect of life. Instead of dealing with conditions as they are - weeds, injuries, conflicts with others - and just handling them, we get caught up in worrying about what they mean, grumbling, feeling deflated, becoming opinionated and judgmental, blaming ourselves and others, and feeling woe-is-me and yet again disappointed/ mistreated/wronged.

These reactions to imperfection are major second darts (as described in the previous chapter). They make you feel a lot worse than you need to, create issues with others, and make it harder to take skillful action. 

Here's the alternative: let the broken cup be a broken cup without adding judgment, resistance, blaming, or worry to it.

How?

Make appropriate efforts to improve things, but realize the impossibility of perfecting anything; even the most sophisticated technology cannot produce a perfectly flat table. You just can't perfect your personality, thoughts, or behavior; trying to do so is like trying to polish Jell-O. Nor can you perfect others or the world. Open to this fact: you can - not perfectly protect your loved ones, or eliminate all of your own health risks, or prevent people from doing stupid things. At first this opening could feel poignant or sad, but then you'll likely feel a breath of fresh air, a freedom, and a surge of energy to do the things you can now that you're not undermined by the hopelessness of making anything perfect.

We need standards and ideals - from the strike zone in baseball to the aspirations in the world's sacred teachings - but we also need to hold these lightly. Otherwise, they'll take on a life of their own in your mind, like petty tyrants barking orders: "You must do this, it's bad to do that." Watch out for righteousness, for self-important moralizing insistence on your own view of how you, others, and the world should operate. Know if you have tendencies toward perfectionism; I do, and I've got to be careful about them or I become a difficult person to live with or work for, as well as unhappy inside.

Further, many things transcend fixed standards. For example, could there ever be such a thing as a perfect rose or a perfect child? In these cases, anxiety about imperfection is absurd - which applies to trying to perfect your body, career, relationships, family, business, or spiritual practice. Nurture these, help them blossom, but give up on perfecting them.

Most fundamentally, all conditions, no matter how imperfect, are perfectly what they are: the bed is perfectly unmade, the milk is perfectly spilt. I don't mean morally or pragmatically "perfect" - as if it would be just perfect to tear a shirt or start a war - but that all conditions are utterly, thoroughly themselves. In this sense, whatever is the case - from dirty diapers and everyday hassles to cancer and plane crashes - is the result in this instant of the perfect unfolding of the entire universe. Try to see that unfolding as a vast, objective process in which our personal wishes are as consequential for it as a patch of foam is for the Pacific Ocean. In this light, perfection and imperfection vanish as meaningful distinctions. There are only things in their own right, in and of themselves, without our labels of good or bad, beautiful or ugly, perfect or not. Then there is no anxiety about imperfection; there is only simplicity, directness, engagement - and peace."

Friday, November 22, 2013

November 20, 2013 Meeting Update

At this Wednesday night meeting of the South Orange County NSA group, although there were only 3 members present, it was an interesting & enjoyable evening. (For those of you who didn't attend - you know this goes on your permanent record don't you? You can redeem yourselves by attending next time.) One attendee was a new member from San Gabriel who works in Irvine. We began with introductions where people stated what they would do if they won 100 million dollars in the lottery. Two people said they would invest the money and/or buy properties. The third member said it would allow his wife to retire. We can all dream, right?

This was another "Public Speaking" session using Table Topics. Members were free to use any fluency techniques they were working on. The Table Topics subjects were: "Gaming: Your ThoughtsOn It",  "The Best Book You Ever Read" & "What You Would Do If You Knew An 8.0 Earthquake Was Going To Hit In 30 Minutes." Some lively discussions followed. The person who had the earthquake topic said there is a species of fish that live in very deep ocean water where there are tectonic plates. When the plates rub against each other as they do preceding an earthquake, the fish are forced to the surface & can sometimes be found on beaches. Some of these beached fish have been recently found on California beaches. Is "The Big One" coming? The person who had the gaming topic knew practically nothing about it, but thought excessive gaming may be taking the place of human interaction for some gamers.

The familiar subject of how hard it is to transfer fluency techniques from the speech therapist's safe environment to the "real" world was discussed. This may be one area where all persons who stutter agree.

We talked a little on what helps us in general to be fluent. The new person said he has a non-stuttering friend who talks very slowly. When he is with this friend, it helps him greatly in improving his fluency.

We also talked a little on the effect of foreign languages on stuttering, as each person has a foreign language in their background - Chinese, Spanish or Italian. We pretty much agreed that stutterers stutter the same amount in whatever language they use.

The next Wednesday meeting is scheduled for December 18. However, it may be canceled as it is very close to the holidays and attendance would probably be low or even zero, with only the group leader showing up. Emails will go out as usual if the meeting is cancelled.

Happy Thanksgiving. Drive carefully. Don't watch too much football. Don't drink too much. Don't eat too much turkey - for you vegans/vegetarians, it's hard to eat too much tofu, so go ahead & indulge yourselves in a soy orgy.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Article: "What It Actually Feels Like to Stutter"

I ran across this Huffington Post article, written by a woman who stutters, and thought it very honest and insightful. She writes so well about that moment after a period of fluency, when you get stuck and it's so easy to lose hope and give up. But she just "picks up [the ball] and serves" it back!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

November 11 Meeting Update: Full Disclosure

We had a larger than normal group meeting and I wanted to share the article "Stuttering and the Power of Powerless Communication" again since many haven’t read it. This was a major topic for last month's meeting.  After taking turns reading a paragraph, we discussed what people thought.  What was interesting was that a few didn’t agree: if you suffer from severe stuttering, you’ll never be in a commanding position to insight dialogue.

After our normal introductions and brief update on what’s going on, we transitioned into the questions, “What do you do for a career and what are your biggest challenges you face at the job?”  The group was eager to aid in ideas to better that person’s situation.  The phone, giving your name and directing people in a group setting were the biggest challenges. 

The group's thoughts related to the phone were “Don’t fear it.”  Learn to master it by using it.  At the beginning of the phone call, let the person know that you’d like to take a little more time to make sure you get all the information.  Pause a bit more to collect your thoughts and lastly, take control.  If you’re calm and collected, you’ll be able to lead the conversation and take charge of the call by shaping the direction you want it to go.  What’s better, you’ll be able to comprehend the conversation and be in the moment. 

A seed developed throughout the meeting into the idea of full disclosure.  Many of us in the group have been covert stutterers for many years and not able to reach out to find others like us.  What surprised me was how many young people are able to understand and deal with this.  Facebook, YouTube and the web have aided this.  Being open and honest about our stuttering in life, with friends and even in a job interview has allowed us to be cool with it.  Full Disclosure is our pass to taking control.

Monday, November 4, 2013

October 30 Meeting Update

At this Wednesday night meeting of the NSA Orange County South group, 5 members were present. One brave soul showed up on crutches - nothing stops some NSA members from meetings. We began with introductions, where people stated where they were originally from & what was their first car. Members were originally from: California, Texas, New Jersey, Slovakia & Mexico. Everyone easily remembered their first car & had detailed memories about it. This was another public speaking meeting, but this time we did "Table Topics" instead of reading from a prepared text. For the uninitiated, Table Topics consists of each member writing down a topic on a piece of paper. The papers are then put together & each person picks one out randomly. Each person then speaks on the topic on his piece of paper. Only caveat is you can't talk on the topic you wrote down. Each person had about 10 minutes to speak. The topics were interesting & included "Are Some People Born Evil?",  "Exercise" & "Have You Been Hiking & Where." People were encouraged to use any fluency techniques they may be working on while speaking on their topic. Another spontaneous subject that arose was how some TV shows are addictive especially "Breaking Bad."

Because of Thanksgiving,  the next Wednesday meeting will be on November 20, & will go from 7:00 to 8:15 PM.

Hope everybody had a good Halloween.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

October 14 Meeting Update: The Phone--A Potential Time Bomb

One member described it as a bomb, and if you think about it as a person who stutters, it can be. It sits there, ready and able to go off anytime. The unknown timing of the ring, the thought of... If this does ring, I'll have to answer it. Even worse is the question of how I will communicate once I'm on the phone. Will I block? Will I make sense? What will other people think when I'm on the phone?

As simple as a phone may be for communication everyday, it can shape the direction of a stutterer in avoidance. This avoidance can only be dealt with for so long before we can move forward and recognize that this issue needs to be addressed. Some successful ways have been to seize the moment and just answer the phone; taping yourself; calling friends; and calling small businesses. Little by little we'll get a handle on the fear and defuse this phone bomb.

Reading out loud is always an important part of our meetings too. This meeting we read Katherine Preston's blog piece, "Stuttering and the Power of Powerless Communication." She writes about embracing powerless communication and how it specifically relates to stutterers and how everyone can harness its power to generate trust and respect. In his book Give and Take Adam Grant states that when it comes to collaboration, "we are more inclined to hire, promote and value people who communicate powerlessly. This includes: talking tentatively, asking people questions, giving them the joy of talking, asking for advice and being open to our vulnerabilities and weaknesses, not just our strengths."

In her post, Preston writes:

"When writing Out With It I discovered how often people are drawn to stutterers, how likeable they seem to be. At first I balked against the discovery, worrying that the attraction was perhaps born of pity. However, the more people I spoke to, the more I realized it was the opposite – they were drawn to the stutterer’s courage and lack of artifice. In a world full of noise and nonsense, stutterers were seen as somehow trustworthy and genuine. Because their speech had nothing to do with their competence, it did not demean them in their audiences’ eyes. Rather it raised them up.

The idea that something that we often perceive as a weakness can actually be an important asset was a personal breakthrough. Grant proves that the idea is applicable to anyone wishing to improve their communication.


Everyone has a weakness, whether it be their weight, their height, their looks, their clumsiness etc. Often our weaknesses have nothing to do with our competence, but we try to hide them to appear in control or knowledgeable or attractive. In actuality, when we speak in a way that reveals our shortcomings and expresses vulnerability, people can relate to us as a human beings. They are attracted to us."

Our group meeting liked this post and insight very much. It seems like instead of hiding our stutter, we can be upfront with it on job interviews, and when meeting new clients or customers. People remember us more, it separates us from the the masses and makes us more human... potentially opening more door ways.

by Matt

Monday, October 7, 2013

Asking for Help

I wanted to share with you this great story from a meeting of the Chicago chapter. It's a perfect example of how we can create a community of support even with people we don't know and who we imagine don't care.

A young man works in a new job as a recruiter and is a very dynamic, "type A" go-getter. He is on the phone for 8 full hours a day. His bosses recently gave him feedback that "You're doing great, but you need to talk smoother on the phone." Essentially, "You need to not stutter." 
How do you respond to this? 
Steve, who is an experienced, high-powered sales executive, said he had a similar experience to this when he first started working and he was required to cold call all day. It was not going well and he stuttered a lot. He said his boss took him aside and said, "Okay, I know you stutter. When you call, you need to do this. You need to ask people for help."  
At this point in Steve's story, we all said, "...What?" He continued. "I couldn't believe what he was telling me. He said, "When you call people, you should say, 'My name is Steve. Can you help me?' And then stop talking until they respond. When they say 'Yes', say, 'I stutter. I want to talk to you and I just want you to know that it's not because I'm reading off a card or because I'm nervous. I just stutter is all.' And then continue with the pitch." 
"I was so mad after that conversation, I thought it was nuts. But I did what he told me. I hadn't made a single sale to that date. And what made me even madder was the first call I made using that strategy, I made my first sale."  
He now does this all the time and said it works incredibly well. As our meeting progressed, a theme that came out was "everybody struggles with something." Steve's strategy is so powerful because it reminds us that we have commonality as humans with struggles, whether it's stuttering or something else. It's advertising, but advertising in a particularly vulnerable, connective way.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

September 25 Meeting Update

Five members were present including a new member. Since this was a public speaking meeting, one of the members brought a copy of Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms" from which to read. The new member then suggested that the rest of us continue reading from that book for their turn at speaking in front of the group.  This was done except for one member who read from a book on martial arts written by someone with whom he's familiar.

The new member remarked that it's always easier to talk or read aloud in an NSA meeting than it is in the outside world. He also talked about his problem transferring fluency techniques from speech therapy to the outside world.

The martial arts book contained a surprising fact for at least one member. This member thought martial arts students & practitioners tried to avoid physical confrontations. The book, however, talked about some younger students purposely trying to start fights with  gang members to try out their skills!

Another member talked about the great differences in weather in places where he's lived including New York city, northern CA & here.

We talked about the meetings that will be held on the last Wednesday of each month starting in October. A schedule for the next 6 months of Wednesday meetings was passed out. These meetings will continue to emphasize public speaking with some variation.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Essay by Katherine Preston, Author of "Out With It"

Check out this link to a very moving essay by Katherine Preston, author of the book Out with It: How Stuttering Helped Me Find My Voice. The essay is about her experience promoting her book and having to speak publicly as a stutterer. Here's an excerpt:
I watch my audience obsessively when I speak. I watch them laugh, and cry, I see people nod their heads fervently and whisper unheard asides to their friends nearby. The times that I have stuttered the most I have been met with steady eyes and standing ovations. My habitual reaction is to yearn for fluency, and yet the times that I’ve stuttered the least have resulted in yawns and the bored tapping of fingers on blue screens. I have realized that people want to see the “character” of my book up on stage. They want to see stuttering, to feel its curious intensity. I want that too. I want to acknowledge that stuttering exists, that it is nothing to be frightened of. I want to use the candid truthfulness of my speeches to build bridges between us. I aspire to give them what they want, and yet I also crave the rhythmic seduction of language that I find much easier to create on the page. I slip back into my habitual wish to control the atmosphere created by my words.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

September 9 Meeting Update

The meeting began with a reading of the Welcoming Words, followed by introductions.

The group then did an exercise in structured communication, using the sentence: "I went to the beach and saw...." followed by a word beginning with the first letter of the alphabet, then the second, and so on.

A reading from a letter written by a former group member followed, and a discussion about the group member's stuttering challenges and how she overcame them.

Then we had a discussion about speaking at work, how the work environment affects fluency, and at school, especially when everyone goes around introducing themselves. A group member talked about using fluency techniques (pausing and continuous phonation) successfully when his turn came.

The group did more reading aloud, this time from plays. The goal was to practice any techniques  to achieve fluency, regardless of how it made people sound. Everyone did great really taking their time and sticking with a plan.

Finally, we had a Q&A session with speech and language pathology students.

by Matt

Monday, September 2, 2013

A Video Game Character Who Stutters

The game Borderlands 2 is getting well-deserved praise for the diversity of its characters. One of them is Karima, who stutters. The game developer talks about how and why he created this character:

"Karima stutters purely because, while you never meet her in person, we needed to give the player some sense that Hyperion’s presence had harmed her in some way. Giving her a stutter made her affliction clear, and allowed for an easy way to show the player’s actions had meaning – after the first mission, she no longer stutters. Nobody comments on it or mocks her for it because it honestly never occurred to me. In fact, the only mockery Karima receives are gendered insults from a misogynist named Dave, who ends the quest by dying violently (because, like the bandits Ellie crushes to death, I take great pleasure in making bigots and sexists pay for their douchery).

"After reading [an] email [from a player who is a stutterer, see below], however, I can say with some certainty that if Karima ever shows up again, she will have her stutter back – permanently – and we will continue to write her exactly as we did before. The knowledge that something we did (however unintentionally) touched someone in this kind of personal way is, to say the least, pretty damned great. This email showed me the power of inclusivity in all of its forms."

Player's e-mail: 

I was playing Borderlands 2 today when I came across the NPC Karima in the medicine man mission. At first I was a bit angry she had a stutter –I was hit in the head with shrapnel from an IED in al-anbar Iraq and have problems talking – because the stereotypes surrounding stutterers are not kind. Communication is one of the defining pieces of humanity and when you cannot communicate to those around you, they tend to view you as lesser. I can’t tell my daughter I love her without struggling through those 3 little words. I quickly realized the mission was written such and clearly illustrated just how evil Hyperion is. She was a very sympathetic character. Whoever wrote this went 180 degrees away from what I thought was going to happen in this case. Thank you. In a game where bat shit craziness is the norm – the writers injected a very subtle bit of humanity. For whatever reason, this really struck me. Thank you for taking the high road here. You skipped over cheap laughs here and in so doing made a big impact. Thank you.

Read more about the game and its characters here.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Movie Trailer: THISISSTUTTERING

I had the privilege of seeing the entire thisisstuttering movie at the 2013 NSA Conference, and I was deeply moved and impressed by it. The movie hasn't been released yet, but I wanted to share the trailer with you.

Here's a synopsis of the movie from Morgan Lott's website:
thisisstuttering is a true story about Morgan Lott, a college student with a stutter. During the summer of 2012, Morgan pursued another round of speech therapy to try to fix his speech impediment for the final time. Through speech therapy sessions, personal reflections, and public assignments, Morgan seeks to get a handle on a stutter that has plagued him for years, discovering himself in the process. thisisstuttering invites you to witness a raw, authentic story of a stutterer and his pursuit of self-discovery and healing from the impediment that 1% of the population suffers from.
thisisstuttering :: official theatrical trailer from Morgan Lott on Vimeo.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Message from Monse

Several of you will remember Monse, who attended our meetings a few times before she graduated from university and returned to Chile. A few days ago we received an e-mail from her, addressed to the whole group. Here it is:

Dear Support Group, 
This is Monse, from Chile. I joined the group for a few months but left after I graduated in May. I thought of emailing you sooner but I wanted to wait until I was able to find out some things I want to share with you. Finally, this weekend I did!
Ever since sharing those lovely support sessions with you, I wondered whether when I came back to Chile I would be able to join a similar group down here. After much inquiring, I was able to find a small group that meets every other week in downtown Santiago. Last Saturday, I joined their meeting for the first time. Their group is a lot more recent that the Irvine group, but their spirit is as strong. They reminded me of a lot of things I had accomplished while I attended your meetings but that I had forgotten once I came back to Chile. Now, as a new week starts, I know what I have to do. Share, share my stuttering with others, and use those "awkward" opportunities to tell others what this is about. 
More importantly, the support group here in Chile reminded me of a very clear goal I had set for myself while I still lived in the US: to write an ethnographic research on stuttering in Chile. Yesterday, I finally started my research. It´ll take a long time to finish but I´m determined to channel my stuttering and your support into something positive and long-lasting.
I guess this is my way of saying, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. As I read your blog posts, I am reminded of you a group of the kindest people who changed my life for the better. 
With love, 
Monse, from Chile

Sunday, August 18, 2013

iStutter Project

Inspired by the 2013 NSA Conference, David Friedman created a lapel pin to make it easier to start a conversation about stuttering in a business setting and promote stuttering awareness. If you'd like to support this project by buying a pin (all profits benefit the National Stuttering Association), please visit his website www.istutterproject.com.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

August 12 Meeting Update: A Different Way of Looking

Here's a different way of looking at the phone: as an opportunity to practice fluency techniques without having to worry about how you look. A new group member pointed this out at our last meeting; he actually prefers the phone for some types of speech practice! It's a positive side of this much dreaded instrument that I didn't think about before.

When it comes to face-to-face conversations, the emphasis in our discussion fell once again on eye-contact. It's valuable in so many ways: to build self-confidence, to clue in your listener about how to react when you stutter ("Stay calm, everything is okay"). A group member mentioned another benefit: keeping eye contact makes it less likely for your listener to interrupt you.

But there's also that awful moment when, even though you're keeping eye contact as you try to get through a block, your listener looks away. Your heart sinks; negative thoughts flood in. That makes the block worse and traps you in a vicious cycle. What to do? This is the time to remember that we're not responsible for other people's reactions, only our own.

Another frequent topic at our meetings is introductions, and we touched on it again yesterday. We talked, in particular, about the benefits of being open about stuttering right off the bat when you meet someone new. The biggest obstacle is awkwardness, not being sure how to broach the subject. But there are other ways of incorporating advertising into conversations than just to say bluntly, "Hi, my name is... I stutter." You can use a block (an unintentional one or a voluntary one) as an opportunity to mention that you're working on your speech. At a job interview, when the question about your greatest fear or challenge comes up, you can bring up your speech and your commitment to improving it and doing your best at your job in spite of the difficulties that your speech puts in your way.

It's a different way to look at stuttering: as an opportunity rather than an obstacle, a source of strength rather than a weakness--and to teach others to look at it in the same way, too.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

July 8 Meeting Update: Don't Hide Your Light Under a Bushel

A poster from the conference.
As we went around introducing ourselves at the beginning of our meeting, I was struck by one member's approach: after saying his name, he went on, "I'm a person who stutters. Sometimes I stutter less. Sometimes I stutter more. Today, we'll see." It's such a concise way to put it and captures so well what it's like to be a person who stutters.

Before introductions we read Welcoming Words as a group, and afterwards we did two exercises. First, we listed two things we stutter on all the time. Some people had sounds or words that often gave them difficulty--b's and p's, words with v in the middle, or words like burrito, design, little. For others it was particular situations where they tended to get stuck: the classic one of having to introduce yourself, or of saying what your occupation is. It was interesting to see the common threads and the differences.

The other exercise we did was to graph our speech experiences, bad and good, on a timeline from birth to now and, into the future, our hope for how our speech will evolve. Many of our most negative experiences clustered around our school years, and the most positive ones around the time we decided, as adults, not to hide our stutter and/or to seek speech therapy.

At the end of the meeting, two group members talked about their experience at the NSA conference last week. One attended with his teenage daughter and told us about a parent's perspective. He also gave a summary of a workshop where dealing with stuttering was compared with running a small business. Success in both is not a straight line of steady progress, but ups and downs that move gradually towards the desired goal.

The other member (me) described how the conference is a "charmed" place where stuttering is no big deal and everyone talks freely--people come up to you and introduce themselves without hesitation, and keep eye contact while stuttering. As a result, you stop paying attention to how people talk and focus on what they say. You find that people who stutter are funny, intelligent, and charming. You realize that it's possible to be an interesting and successful person even if you stutter. Stuttering doesn't have to eclipse everything else that you are.

Attending the conference was a difficult experience at times--intense, overwhelming, emotionally draining. But I came away from it with knowledge about myself and stuttering that I don't think can be gained anywhere else. The conference is something you have to experience for yourself at least once in your life. There's nothing like seeing with your own eyes that you shouldn't hide your light under a bushel because you stutter. And there's nothing like realizing how brightly and beautifully that light can shine when you let it.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

June 25 Meeting Update: Summer

We had a small, laid-back meeting, with just three members. As a result, our speeches were on the informal side. Some of us gave presentations about our summer reading and read out loud from a collection of short stories and a novel. One group member talked about his travels through California.

Next week is an exciting time for me: I'll be attending the NSA conference for the first time. I look forward very much to being among so many other people who stutter, and to learn about other support groups and what's new in speech therapy. Knowing other people who stutter and seeing how well they do in their lives in spite of--sometimes because of--their stutter has been a great source of inspiration for me.

See you at the next meeting, and enjoy your summer!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

June 10 Meeting Update

One of my biggest fears as a person who stutters is that in case of an emergency I'm going to block so hard that I won't be able to make a 911 call to save someone's life. I was much encouraged and relieved this week when a group member shared how during a very difficult and high-stress situation he didn't stutter and was able to do the right thing. Often we get through tough times by the skin of our teeth; it's great to be reminded that there are times when we do so with flying colors.

Another highlight of our meeting was the exercise "Repeating Questions." We divided into groups, chose a question related to stuttering or any other aspect of life, and then each person in the group was asked that question repeatedly for several minutes. Here are some of the questions we came up with:

  • How do you perceive your stutter when you're at a party?
  • How important is it for you that people think well of you?
  • What are you most proud of about your speech?
  • I understand you're going through a tough time right now; tell me more.

It turned out to be an interesting process. Being faced with the same question again and again forces you to examine it from different points of view and to explore parts of it that you might not have thought of before. Many things in life benefit from this approach, but especially stuttering because it's so easy to look at it one-dimensionally, as something horrible that we have to get rid of at any cost.

One answer that was given stuck with me: "I don't go out of my way to be liked; I'm myself and let people make up their own minds." It's a great motto to live by. We do what we can to live up to our best selves, and we let everything else go.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

100stutter Project

Here is the very inspiring story of a man whose goal is to advertise his stutter to one hundred people. His blog is worth checking out, too.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

May 13 Meeting Update: Success

As people who stutter, we face failure on a daily basis. When we decide not to let stuttering rule our lives, we learn how to deal with failure in a mature and positive way. We train ourselves to see it in perspective--to move away from catastrophic thinking, as one of our group members put it--and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Learning and growing, we're often told, are slow. Sometimes we don't see progress for weeks or months at a time. But eventually our efforts pay off in a wonderful way. Some of our group members have experienced this recently: one of them gave a talk to a group of speech pathology students for the first time. Another got a new job after going through three interviews. Another found a good way to deal with a block that kept recurring. They have a lot to be proud of and to celebrate.

Speaking of celebrating, this week is National Stuttering Awareness Week. We talked at our meeting about what this means to each of us, and what specifically we can do to educate non-stutterers about stuttering. There are brochures, buttons, bracelets and t-shirts available on the NSA website. But I liked best this idea for raising awareness: STUTTER! Make the choice to be open about your speech. Instead of thinking of it as a wall between you and other people, use stuttering as a bridge--a way to connect with others.

A long-time member of the NSA, from back when it was called the National Stuttering Project, told us about a t-shirt he's had for many years. On the back it has the logo of the NSP; on the front it goes: I'll say it my way. How's that for a definition of success: SAY IT YOUR WAY.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

April 8 Meeting Update: Rough Patches

We began our meeting by reading aloud together the Welcoming Words. This is how they end: "We who stutter, and those who support and help us, are not alone. Together we are strong." It was a particularly useful reminder, since in the last few weeks many of us have had challenges with our speech.

Stuttering goes through cycles. These are familiar to each of us. For weeks at a time fluency just seems to happen. Breath, phrasing, articulation are all in sync. Then out of the blue a block strikes, and, as if a magic spell was lifted, everything becomes difficult. It's a struggle to get almost every word out. Even in easy speaking situations we get stuck, our voice gets cut off, our speech is choppy and tense.

Sometimes the reason this happens is clear: lack of sleep, stress at work, anxiety, increased pressures bearing down from every direction. Other times, there's no rhyme or reason to it. I used to spend a lot of time asking why--why is this happening to me, why isn't it going away no matter how hard I try? But I've come to think that the "why" isn't so important. How we deal with it is.

Here are some of the coping mechanisms our group members have tried:

  • being open with others about what's happening
  • using a stuttering modification technique (like easy onset or voluntary stuttering)
  • practicing acceptance and focusing on other good qualities we have
  • if possible, postponing challenging speaking situations until the rough patch passes

That's something to keep in mind: it will pass. It might feel like it's going to last forever, but it won't. Meanwhile, you can take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. You don't have to go through this difficult time by yourself. Talk to a friend. Come to a support group meeting. And remember that everybody struggles with one thing or another all the time. That doesn't make people less interesting, likable or worth listening to. Actually, it makes them more so.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

March 27 Meeting Update: Practice Does Work


Once again we had a meeting dedicated exclusively to public speaking. It was an incredible experience to watch our group members take risks with their speech, tackle things they're afraid of, experiment with different fluency techniques, or just simply stand up and deliver. Some of us read out loud, others gave formal speeches or talked in an impromptu way.

A few people mentioned how, when they find themselves in difficult speaking situation in everyday life, they remind themselves of their successes in support group meetings and are able to speak with less anxiety and more ease. We hear often that the only way to build confidence and improve is by using every chance we get to practice. But there's nothing like experiencing it for yourself to drive the point home. And to really make your day!

Cartoon courtesy of www.andertoons.com.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

March 11 Meeting Update: Discomfort

Have you ever wondered, when you read about expeditions to the South Pole or to the top of Mt. Everest, why people put themselves through such ordeals? It's hard enough sometimes to meet everyday challenges; why go out of your way to make life hard?

But discomfort is a good teacher. When you exercise at the gym, discomfort tells you which muscles in your body are weak and need to be built up. The soreness the next day tells you that you've worked those weak muscles and are on your way to getting stronger. It also tells you that, hard as it was to lift that weight, you did it.

At our last meeting we used the same principle with our speech. We identified the speaking situations that make us most uncomfortable and that we avoid the most. We discussed how we could practice the particular skill we lacked, and then we did it.

It's interesting to note the range of what's challenging for the members of our group:
  • reading aloud
  • how to tell an old friend that you stutter
  • speaking in a small group
  • getting stuck on prounouncing numbers
  • speaking under time pressure
Unlike Antarctic explorers and mountain climbers, we didn't get to choose the challenges we face as people who stutter. Nevertheless, we can own them. We can deal with them as though we've chosen them. What can they teach us about ourselves? How can they make us better people? How can they be a source of growth rather than fear and stagnation?

This isn't comfortable or easy. Most things worth doing aren't. But for every thing there's to lose in this process, there's at least as much, and often a lot more, to gain.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

"A Voice for Stutterers" Orange County Register 2/7/13

Here's the link for the article on the kid on American Idol who stutters:

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/speech-494954-sing-music.html

Sometimes these links don't work. If that's the case here, just go to the Orange County Register's home page & put "A Voice for Stutterers" in the search box.

February 11 Meeting Update: Openness

The hardest thing for me as a stutterer is how to tell someone else that I stutter. When's a good time to say it? What words to use? Ones that I know I'll probably stutter on, to show what stuttering is like? Or ones that I'm confident I can say fluently, to avoid awkwardness? What do I do when I want to "come out" to someone I've known for a long time? How do I make sure that a person I'm meeting for the first time sees me as more than a stutterer? Is it better just to say nothing?

At our last night's meeting, one group member talked about how she deals with this tricky problem, and her strategy struck me as not only very useful but also compelling. Before she even introduces herself, in person, on the phone, or in a public speaking situation, she says this: All my life I've had a speech disability. I hope you can look beyond the imperfections of my speech. If there's something you don't understand, please let me know and I will be glad to explain it. 

It might seem like avoidance not to use the word stutter when you're trying to tell people that you're a stutterer. But the only thing that really matters is to find a way to talk about your stutter that works for you. The particular arrangement of words and sentences isn't as important as the intention behind them: to stop hiding. Few of us have the courage, after years of anxiety about our stutter, to let it all hang out. We need to dip our toe in the water first. We need to peel back our defenses one layer at a time.

These defenses are extremely hard to let go of because they served us when there was nothing else that helped. We shared war stories at our last meeting about all the horrible reactions we got from other people when we stuttered (weird facial expressions, having the phone hung up on you, bullying), and all the tricks we developed to hide our stutter and stop these reactions: pretending to be sick, jumping through hoops to get classes in college where reading aloud isn't required, causing your own nose to bleed, faking laryngitis. It's enough to make you laugh and cry at the same time.

In the end, we want to become open about our stutter not to prevent other people from thinking badly of us, but to prevent ourselves from thinking badly about ourselves. All our group members said that those silly excuses to avoid speaking left bitterness and emotional scars behind. In the long run, it does us far more harm than good to hide. There's no better way to help ourselves than to talk openly about our stutter, no matter how awkward it feels at first. It may even feel impossible. But try to figure out what little part of it is possible for you right now. And go out and try it.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I think the way the students were handled at last night's meeting was about right. They were observers not participators. They had about the last 12 minutes to ask questions & they obviously came with a lot of prepared questions, most likely assigned to them by their teacher. It's a good thing they didn't start to ask questions until the meeting was close to over, or they would have used up the whole meeting with their questions. They even wanted our emails to send us questions! Because they had so many questions, breaking the students & participants into small groups was a good idea. The only suggestion I would make is to have the students ask their questions after the meeting is over at 7PM. That way, whoever wants to stay & answer questions could do so & it wouldn't cut into the time we have for our meeting. Of course, if we're expected to be out of the room by 7PM this wouldn't work.

I also attend the Riverside NSA meetings. Students were there this past Sunday & asked questions at the end. However, their questions didn't seem to be prepared and were much briefer. I guess they had a different teacher than last night's students.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

January 30 Meeting Update: Public Speaking

On Wednesday, Jan. 30th we had our first public speaking forum for the the South OC chapter. For someone who stutters, we have challenges everyday, however standing up and giving a speech is incredibly difficult. Some studies have suggested that people have a greater fear of giving a speech in public than death. This class allows us to face our fears and speak amongst our peers.

Everyone who attended was ready and participated by reading a speech, book or commented on a topic for 5 to 10 minutes. What was amazing was the attendees ranged from a skilled toast master level orator down to someone who never read out loud in her life.

The most covered topic was reading with conviction. Pausing, sliding and better phonation seemed to be a key in drawing people into the topic. I think our minds want to just get through this...and reading something in a flat, mono tone voice is a great way to do this. However, being able to have the confidence to do this needs to be practiced everyday.

Think of the things you've gotten proficient at doing; cooking, golfing, pool, hiking etc. Reading out loud could be a great first step for 10 to 20 minutes a day. It's this reading out loud allows us to play with our phonation, sliding on non-feared words, pausing, continuous phonation and presence. However, it also might just be getting used to hearing our own voice.


So get uncomfortable, read aloud!

Posted by Matt

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

January 14 Meeting Update: Opportunities to Speak

It's always suprising to find out how different one person who stutters can be from another. At our last meeting, we discussed speaking on the phone and recorded each other having a phone conversation. Some people were nervous; others didn't have any anxiety at all. One group member said that it's harder for him to speak in a group than to make a phone call. For me, it's the exact opposite. Once again I was reminded that stuttering isn't just about words.

One interesting issue that came up was not getting enough practice speaking--either on the phone or face to face. We have so many means to communicate with each other in writing--e-mail, texting, instant messaging--that some of us spend whole days hardly saying more than a few words. You'd think that for a person who stutters that would be a great relief. And in some ways it is. But it also makes it harder to get better at speaking. Our vocal chords and fluency techniques get rusty. We take longer to find our bearings in a conversation and to set our own pace.

The other main activity at our meeting was reading aloud an article about how to deal with interruptions in conversation. Here are some of the suggestions offered:
  • simply repeat what you were saying
  • slow your rate of speech
  • use a gesture (such as holding up a hand) to signal you have more to say
  • use a phrase that shows you have more to say (for example: I have two points to make)
  • use "because" or "so" to indicate something more is coming
Many of us have used one or another of these strategies with some success. It can be challenging, however. A conversation often moves so fast and unpredictably that by the time you figure out what you want to say and how to say it, it's too late. One group member suggested that, when it proves too difficult to participate in conversation, it's very useful to observe how others speak. Notice how people weave in and out of the conversation; what gestures they use; what they do when someone overlaps or cuts off their speech. There's a lot to learn simply from watching and listening.

It's a funny thing: before e-mail and smart phones, we used to have to go out of our way to avoid speaking. Now we have to go out of our way to find opportunities to speak. It's an added challenge for those of us who stutter, but well worth seeking out.