Eye Contact

It's easy to forget, when you stutter, that the way people communicate with one another isn't just through words. Non-verbal communication accounts for at least half of the information that gets exchanged when we talk to someone else. Our posture, hand gestures, and tone of voice matter a great deal. For stutterers, this isn't always a positive thing. Sometimes we try to compensate for the hesitation and fear and distrust we have about words by exaggerating (often unconsciously) our body language.

But there is one unequivocally positive component of non-verbal communication that we can focus on when we talk to someone: eye contact. It isn't very hard to maintain eye contact when we are fluent. It becomes almost impossible when we get stuck and stutter. This makes sense. It feels strange to look into someone's eyes when your mouth is open and no sound is coming out, or when the sounds that do manage to come out are repetitive or garbled. It's humiliating and embarrassing. So we look away. In the moment, it gives us a little break. It makes things easier.

Long term, however, it makes things harder. By looking away we're unintentionally sending the message--to the other person and also to ourselves--that we're not really worth talking to. We imply that our words don't really matter because we're not saying them with perfect fluency. We give short shrift to what we have to say and overvalue how we say it.

I told myself for a long time that I would maintain eye contact when I stuttered just as soon as I gained enough confidence to do it. But confidence doesn't work that way. It doesn't grow by itself; it's fed and strengthened by what you do. At first, you have to maintain eye contact even if you don't feel like it, even when it seems stupid and pointless. You do this again and again until something changes. And something does change. You begin to feel a difference.

What's the difference? The conviction--slow but sure in coming--that you are the equal of the person you're talking to, no matter that the other person is fluent and sometimes you're not. People respond to that. More importantly, you'll respond to that. It's easier to work on improving your fluency when you think well of yourself. When you believe that you have something worth saying, chances are you'll say it better.

And if you don't say it as well as you would have liked, that's just a temporary setback. There's always next time. For people who believe in themselves, failure is just another chance to get better.