December 10 Meeting Update: Seeing the Good

Our discussion topic at this meeting was John Harrison's "Thirteen Observations About People Who Stutter" from his book Redefining Stuttering. The list isn't easy to read; Harrison doesn't mince words. But its harshness is refreshing and useful.

We talked about our often excessive concern with what others think about the way we speak. One member described the feeling of amazement and relief he experienced when he realized that most people he interacted with either didn't notice or didn't care about his stutter.

On the other hand, there are times when we have every right to worry about how our stuttering is perceived. It matters what our bosses, our teachers, or others who have authority over us, think about us. In such situations, it's important to strike a balance between explaining what's happening with our speech and also standing up for ourselves.

As Harrison notes, it's very hard for many people who stutter to be self-assertive. As an exercise at our meeting, we took turns talking about one positive aspect of ourselves. It felt quite uncomfortable. We're very used to thinking about what's wrong with ourselves and how we can improve it. It's much more difficult to remember that we have good qualities, some of them as a direct result of stuttering.

More than one person in our group said: if I wasn't a stutterer, I'd very likely be an arrogant and selfish you-know-what. Stuttering has taught many of us to listen, to empathize with others, to be kind. Others mentioned positive aspects of themselves unconnected to stuttering: discipline, being good at sports, curiosity, intelligence.

They may be hard to find, these reasons to feel good about ourselves, but they're there. My hope this holiday season is that you find them and hold on to them--not only in yourself, but in those around you. Their challenge might not be stuttering, but they need kindness and understanding just as much as we do. Happy Holidays!

Those Lovable SLP Students!

At the last meeting on 11/28/12, three speech language pathology students from Cal State San Marcos showed up unexpectedly just as the meeting was about to begin. I couldn't help but overhear one of them saying to Mihaela that she had emailed her (Mihaela) an hour before the meeting to announce they were coming! How thoughtful of them! If this doesn't show the students are taking us for granted, I'm the most fluent person who ever lived. The meeting went fine as the three students sat behind and to the side of the rest of the group & didn't take part in the meeting. They simply observed us and didn't say a word. I think this is exactly the way the meetings should be run when the students attend. We should hardly be aware that the students are present. If, after the meeting, members of the group & students want to hang around and chit - chat, that's fine. I just don't think we should adapt the meetings in any way to accommodate the students. Basically, I think when students attend, the meetings should simply be run as if they weren't there.

November 28 Meeting Update: Support System

One question that comes up again and again at our meetings is why speech therapy is so rarely effective long-term. Many people in our support group have had speech therapy at some point in their lives. Yet after the first few months of excitement with the new fluency-shaping techniques, and of wonderful progress in the therapist's office, they find themselves slipping back into old habits of speech. All too soon, the gains they've made in therapy are lost.

As a result, they begin to think that being a stutterer means there's something fundamentally wrong with them that cannot be changed. They blame themselves for not working hard enough, for getting discouraged, for not being able to keep up the same level of motivation they had when they were going to speech therapy. They put the whole weight of the problem on their own shoulders, and they expect to carry it all by themselves.

The truth is, however, that we can't do it alone. Speaking is by definition something we do with other people. We can't change the way we speak without the cooperation and support of other people. It's not easy to acknowledge that. We've been hurt so often by other people's comments about our speech that we're reluctant to open up and ask them to lend us a hand, to be understanding and patient.

Luckily, it's not necessary for the whole world to be on our side. Even one person is enough. My co-leader, Matt, checks in with his mentor at work once a week to make sure he's on track with his speech goals. His mentor doesn't know much about stuttering and speech therapy, but he keeps Matt accountable to himself. I check in with my sister, who also doesn't know much about speech therapy, but she has the ability to be hard on me and at the same time kind, which is exactly what I need.

Of course for all of us the support group meetings are essential. They're the best reminder that, as the National Stuttering Association motto goes, we are not alone. That community is always there for us. I myself am so grateful for that. Without it, I couldn't have gotten as far as I have in becoming a fluent and confident speaker.

November 12 Meeting Update: Skill Sets

One of our group members, in talking about his work, referred to his speech as just one of several skill sets that he has. That struck me as a really useful way to approach speech, whether or not you stutter. It's especially useful if you do stutter, because it's so easy for a stutterer to think of his or her speech as a character flaw, rather than simply an ability, a skill that can be cultivated--or not, depending on what we want out of life.

Not all of us can, or want to, become charismatic public speakers who hold a whole room under a spell when we tell a story. But we have other qualities. We work hard, we're good listeners, we are focused and motivated. Those things matter just as much, if not more, than our speech. Being a person who stutters doesn't cancel out all the other positive aspects of our personality.

Once you stop looking at the world through a lens warped by stuttering, you discover that the world is much bigger than you thought, and that you yourself have more to offer and contribute to the world than you imagined. It's easier, then, to stand up for yourself. You begin to see that the most important thing about you is not how you speak. You have many other skills that you've worked hard to perfect and that you have every right to be proud of.

Here's what I'm working towards: when someone says, "Hey, you stutter!" I answer, "So what?" (Someone should put that on a t-shirt.) I know it sounds like a dream. But it's really just a skill: to see the person in "person who stutters."

Speech Therapy Students Attending NSA Meetings - Who Benefits?

I'm hopelessly computer illiterate. I wanted to enter a post on our blog & I entered it as a comment instead. So here it is again:

At the last meeting,we talked a little about the grad students from Cal State Fullerton who often attend our group. These same students also often attend the Riverside group & the North Orange County group. We talked about just how much, if anything, these students add to our group. I think they get more from us than we do from them. One member of our group mentioned that we never get back the results of various forms we fill out for the students. They attend our group at the direction of Dr. Tsao, the department head, to get course credits. They're not coming out of their own free will. Cal State Fullerton's speech department doesn't have a specialty in stuttering. The students there can take one undergrad course & one grad course in I believe what is called "Fluency Disorders", & these may be electives. So, most or all of them are not going to go on to be SLPs focusing on stuttering. I've always had mixed feelings about the students attending NSA groups. They're friendly & pleasant enough, but the groups don't really flow the same as when they're not there. I don't feel as "natural" as I do when they're not there. If we're going to keep allowing them to attend our groups, we should try as much as possible to conduct the groups as if they weren't there. The students should be neutral observers & not participate in our activities. Taking time at the end of a group to field their questions may be of some value as far as educating them for possible use in their careers, but even this takes away from our time at the meetings. Again, most or none of them will become SLP's who treat stutterers exclusively, although they may encounter stutterers at times. I don't think that a planned activity of a group should ever be cancelled or cut short for the sake of the students. The suggestion was made that we hold an extra meeting (each month?) with just the students in mind. This at first sounded like a good idea to me, but on second thought I don't think it would work. It's tough enough already to get enough members to come to our regular meetings. If there were another meeting just to accommodate the students, the turnout would be very low. Also, it could reduce the turnout at our regular meetings - who can go to 3 meetings a month? I suggest we allow the students to come to ONE of our meetings each of their semesters. This would come to two meetings a year. Either that or just not have them come at all. Comments?

International Stuttering Awareness Day Online Conference

This conference is an amazing undertaking, and all the papers presented are available online here. I encourage you to visit the conference website. The amount of information there can seem daunting, but it's well worth exploring. We build our small local communities of people who stutter through our support groups, and it's very humbling and inspiring to realize that we're part of a global community too, whose voices we don't often have the chance to hear.

October 8 Meeting Update: Peak Experiences

Image courtesy of Sierra Mountain Center

I came away from our last meeting feeling inspired. Our group members shared some great stories--of reaching out, opening up, keeping their cool in a challenging situation. They took charge of the circumstances that life threw them in and shined.

One member noticed that the manager at a store he frequents stuttered. Instead of taking the easy way out and not saying anything, he reached out. He shared information about the NSA and support group meetings in the area. He planted a seed that one day might grow into something unexpected.

Another group member found himself, after a tiring out-of-state drive, standing in front of fifteen people and being asked to introduce himself. He didn't let the hurry and surprise get to him but took control of the situation, set his own pace for speaking, and made his way fluently and easily through the whole process.

Another member shared with his family, for the first time, the challenges that he's been facing and trying to work through in his speech. It takes a great deal of courage to break the silence in this way. Honesty is sometimes painful. The fear that by being honest you're letting your loved ones down in some way can be overwhelming. But people who truly care about you will support you through the awkwardness and discomfort, and appreciate you all the more for trusting them enough to open up.

We also had a lively conversation about pills used to treat stuttering. While acknowledging that in some cases pills might offer some relief, none of us thinks they're a good idea in the long run. They treat stuttering as a chemical imbalance in the brain and give short shrift to the emotional and intellectual aspects of our speech. Those of us who've had long-term success dealing with stuttering can attest that it has taken a great deal of effort to examine our attitudes, habits and personalities and understand how we work so that the changes we made in our speech are constructive and profound.

To use a group member's analogy, we've walked in the valley and reached the peak, then descended back down and made our way back up again and again. We know there's no quick fix, just each day with its challenges and victories, big and small.

September 26 Meeting Update: What Works

We began our meeting as usual by introducing ourselves, but this time after saying "I am a person who stutters," we made a point of adding, "I am also a person who...." and filled in the blank with other aspects of our lives: the work we do, the interests and hobbies we have. It's all too easy to forget that we're so much more than people who stutter.

Once again we had students from a graduate speech pathology program as guests at our meeting. As always, they were interested to find out what, in our group's opinion, makes for effective speech therapy. We came up with what I think are some really good guidelines. First, effective therapy puts you in charge of your own speech. There may be special tools you use (like SpeechFlare or SpeechEasy), but ultimately you're the one who's making the changes happen. Second, effective therapy is well-structured and systematic; it teaches you a variety of techniques and shows you how to use them gradually, building up the difficulty as you're ready. Finally, it's all about practice, practice, practice.

One of our group members has shared that every single morning for the past few decades he has spent twenty-five minutes practicing voluntary stuttering while reading out loud. Another group member uses being stuck in traffic to practice easy-onset on feared words. At our end-of-the-month meetings we consistently practice public speaking. Sometimes we don't really feel like it. Other times the practice isn't as good as we expected. But we always learn something from it.

For me, the best thing about practice is this: it shows me that I can do what I set out to do. Maybe I didn't do it that well, but I did it. There's no more empowering feeling than that.

September 10 Meeting Update: What Is Stuttering?

A guest at our last meeting shared a curious thing about her speech: sleep-deprivation makes her stutter. The rest of the time she's a fluent speaker and thinks of herself as a person with "normal" speech. She only slips out of this "normal" pattern when she's extremely tired. It makes one wonder about the concept of "normal" and, conversely, "abnormal" speech. Where do you draw the line?

People who stutter know painfully well what stuttering feels like. But it's actually quite difficult to explain exactly what stuttering is. It's a question impossible to sort out in one meeting, or, for that matter, ten. That's the reason I want to open up the discussion here and ask what stuttering is to you. There are a two definitions that resonate with me:

• Stuttering is the feeling of loss of control over one's speech.
• Stuttering is what we do to try to avoid stuttering.

I like these definitions for what they say about the opposite of stuttering: one, it means having a sense of control over one's speech; and two, it involves letting go of avoidances. This is a good reminder for me that what's important isn't so much never to stumble on words, but not to let stuttering run my life. I'm in charge, not my blocks.

We tackled another complex issue at our meeting: how to be open about stuttering without apologizing for it. A group member confessed that he's still working on not saying I'm sorry I stutter when he's talking to a customer service center, for example. It's essential to educate others about what stuttering is but at the same time to stand up for ourselves as stutterers. The feeling of being less than can be deeply ingrained, especially in adult stutterers; learning to think of ourselves as equal to people who don't stutter is probably the most difficult but at the same time most rewarding work we can do.

Finally, I'd like to pass on a book recommendation given to me by a group member: John Harrison's Redefining Stuttering. It's a PDF-format book you can download for free. It approaches stuttering in a sophisticated, thoughtful and holistic way, which I find extremely useful.

August 13 Meeting Update: Stuttering Isn't Just About Speaking

Stumbling on words is such a big part of our experience as stutterers that it's easy to equate it with stuttering itself. We often go into speech therapy seeking out techniques to change how we articulate sounds and words; we assume that if we learn the "trick" that fluent speakers seem to have been born knowing, we'll stop being stutterers.

If you've met other people who stutter, you may have noticed that some of them don't stutter at all for long stretches of conversation. They sound perfectly "normal." You may have noticed that you yourself don't stutter when you tell a joke to a friend, but when you tell that very same joke to a co-worker the blocks crop up like mushrooms after rain.

It's this unpredictability that makes stuttering so infuriating and difficult to change. If stuttering were only about the way we articulate words, we would always stutter on the same words and once we learned how to say those words fluently, we'd never get stuck again.

But we're not dealing just with words but with people in all their complexity. Some of us are introverted, some outgoing. Some are perfectionists, others more easygoing. Some are energized by the fast pace of everyday life, others made anxious by it. Speech is connected to all these aspects of our personalities.

So when we set out to change how we speak, the hard work isn't only in learning how to articulate words differently. Far more challenging is shifting our perspective, changing how we look at ourselves and the world. Getting really good at practicing fluency shaping techniques is essential. But it's not enough. We have to dig deeper, as one member of our group put it. We have to get to the part of the iceberg that's under the surface.

For me, that means asking myself what is it really that I'm afraid of. Is it stumbling on words? Or is it the negative judgments I make about myself because I stumbled? It means acknowledging that I can't control a speaking situation completely and that's okay.

My goal isn't just how to stumble less, but how to judge myself less. I'm committed not only to getting as many fluency tools in my toolbox as I can, but putting myself in situations where I have to use them and see for myself that I can be really good at doing it. My ambition isn't to get to 100% fluency. (I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice!) Rather, it's to look at the whole process as an opportunity to constantly get better at communicating and at knowing who I am. 

July 9 Meeting Update: Being Open about Stuttering

One of my hardest challenges in speech therapy was to say this sentence out loud: I am a person who stutters. I was afraid that I'd stutter on the word stutter and sound completely ridiculous. Most of all, I was afraid of the other person's reaction. I couldn't imagine any response except contempt or embarrassment or confusion, and I had no idea how to deal with any of them. Better, I thought, to keep my mouth shut.

At our last meeting we talked a lot about how to be open about stuttering. It feels weird--to say the least--to come out and admit to someone else that you stutter. But it feels weird not to admit it. The elephant is in the room and no amount of pretending it isn't will make it go away. 

Refusing to pretend takes a lot of courage. And more often than not people recognize that and react positively to it. Speaking the truth--if you do it with kindness and humility--makes a good impression. It's something to keep in mind when you're hesitating about being open about your stutter. Many people appreciate someone who isn't afraid to tell it like it is.

For a long time it seemed a paradox to me that being a stutterer doesn't have to stand in the way of speaking openly, of being a good communicator. You can stand up for yourself and get your point across even if you don't do it fluently. At our meetings people often tell great stories and make really funny jokes. Sure, sometimes there are bumps in the road and they stumble. But sometimes the road becomes really smooth. It's amazing to watch how, in the excitement of the moment, some of us even forget that we stutter and are able to speak fluently without effort.

If only we could forget that we stutter on a regular basis! But the fact that we sometimes do forget proves that we have the ability to be fluent. With hard work and patience, that ability can be cultivated until it blossoms into easy, smooth, fluent speech that we can count on every single day.

Tell Us What You Think

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June 11 Meeting Update

We began our meeting with breathing exercises, focusing on breathing from the belly rather than the chest, and on inhaling and exhaling to the full capacity of the lungs. Many of us experience stuttering as a constriction of the airflow in the throat, and it was helpful to practice keeping the breath moving steadily in and out.

The breathing exercises were followed by a three-minute period of silence. For people who stutter silence can be frightening. It often means that we can't speak, and it weighs heavily on us. To choose it consciously and to sit with it without worrying or panicking is a powerful experience. It proves that silence doesn't have to be the enemy. Pausing, taking our time, allowing for a few seconds to pass before and while we speak can improve our fluency in significant ways.

Taking our time is one of the hardest things to do when we're in conversation with other people. It seems almost impossible not to be influenced by the speed of others' speech, their interruptions, their impatience, their demands to answer the question or give our opinion already. There's no easy solution to this. There's only this: just don't do it. Don't let anyone else dictate how you speak. Don't forget that you can take control of your speech, you can decide that no one but you will be in charge.

Our group discussion touched on changes in our fluency and the types of blocks we tend to have over a longer period. There are certainly patterns in the way each of us stutters. But some aspects of stuttering remain unpredictable. They can be infuriating when they occur. Why did I stutter on this word that I've said perfectly fluently a dozen times before? Why is it that a technique I've been using successfully last week doesn't work this week?

This can make you feel like you're fighting a losing battle. I have days when I'm just sick of all the effort required and the inevitable failures. But then I have days when all the fluency techniques I've learned work effortlessly and I feel like I can say anything. Things don't stay bad forever. Nor do they stay good forever. The wheel is always turning. The only thing we can do is to stay consistent with our practice. It's only steady practice that makes the good times last longer and the bad go away faster.

Launch of the Visually Assisted Speech-to-Speech Service

As of May 1, 2012, the California Relay Service (CRS) is offering a new service, called “Visually Assisted Speech-to-Speech” (VA STS). 

In addition to a phone call to the relay service, the Speech-to-Speech (STS) caller is also using a webcam or videophone with Skype^TM to connect with the Communications Assistant (CA) at the relay call center. This allows the CA to see the STS user as they are speaking. Seeing the STS caller’s mouth movements, facial expressions, and gestures can enable the CA to better understand and re-voice for the caller.

California has two relay providers (Hamilton Relay and AT&T Relay) who provide STS as well as VA STS.  See www.ddtp.org for their contact info.

Please note that in addition to the new VA STS service, the regular Speech-to-Speech (STS) Service is still available as usual (1-800-854-7784, 24/7).  The STS Training Line will also continue to be available, and can be accessed at:

AT&T Relay:       1-866-844-2626 (Mon – Fri 9am-5pm)

Hamilton Relay: 1-877-632-9095 (24/7, ask for the STS Training Line)

For more information about VA STS visit our Program Web site at www.ddtp.org and look for “Visually Assisted Speech-to-Speech” in the News section.

May 30 Meeting Update: Connect

One of the high points of our support group meeting yesterday was a great story that a group member shared. He was in a coffee shop one day when he noticed two young women, both blind, helping each other to order and find a table. He approached them and introduced himself. He let them know that he was a stutterer and that he was interested to find out what their greatest challenge was as blind persons.

Whether or not you stutter, it takes a lot of courage to approach another person and connect with him or her in an open and honest way. If you do stutter, the difficulty is compounded. We're often afraid that "normal" people will laugh at us, be condescending, rude and dismissive. But we forget that nobody is really "normal." We all have problems, insecurities, flaws. Look hard enough and you'll find something "abnormal" in everyone. The only difference is that some kinds of "abnormal" are easier to hide than others.

Having a stutter isn't easy to hide. Neither is being blind. It's all out there for everyone to see. And many "normal" people who come face to face with it--who have to listen to someone struggle his way through a sentence, or watch a blind person find his or her way--often handle it badly. They freak out. They're reminded of their own insecurities, and, to cover up their discomfort, they laugh, condescend and dismiss. Do you want to know what the young women's biggest challenge was as blind persons? People think that because they're blind, they're stupid.

That's a lot of people's knee-jerk reaction: equate whatever seems "abnormal" with stupidity. Now how stupid is that? Remember this next time someone is rude to you because you stutter. Remember that you aren't alone--there aren't only hundreds of other stutterers who are fighting the good fight to stand up for themselves, but many other hundreds of people who are blind or deaf, challenged in their bodies and minds in many other ways, who are also fighting that fight.

The best way to diffuse a situation in which someone is reacting stupidly when they watch you struggle is to educate them. Tell them what it's really like. Connect with them in as open and honest a way as a you can. That's enormously hard to do when you're feeling attacked by a mean or angry comment. But behind that anger and meanness often hides someone who is afraid, who is simply ignorant, who has forgotten that deep down we're all the same, flawed and yearning to be accepted just as we are.

May 14 Meeting Update: Emotions and Speech

Posted by Matt

At our Monday, May 14th meeting at the Kaiser Medical Offices in Irvine, we discussed successes we had with our speech over the last few months. Over the last several months our discussions have been on pausing, sliding on non-feared words, reading out loud, eye contact, continuous phonation, etc. Several people have had success in reading and eye contact from the advice of others.

We talked about our biggest challenges. A main topic was the fear we have of what people think when we stutter. We are so consumed by that fear that it controls our mind in a negative matter. An important thing to remember is that if you ask people about how they feel about us stuttering, they don't really care. People have enough issues to deal with on their own--school, work, dating etc... Basically, they don't care. We are our own biggest threat. These issues may be difficult to get over, but the fact is once we accept it, we can move on and things will improve.

Lastly, I handed out a self evaluation form with 10 questions about rating our anxiety level when reading alone or in front of a group, ordering food, using the phone, introducing ourselves etc. The goal was to identify areas where we see a need to improve. Each of us put down a strategy to improve these and to write about those experiences each week. We'll talk about them next month's meeting in June.

We had a response to the above from a speech therapist who works with children. It is insightful and we thought we'd share it:

I am a Speech Pathologist who has been attending the NSA TWST group in Irvine with one of my students and his mother.  Reading your notes from your last meeting prompted me to share something that I heard from Dr. Yaruss (a speech pathologist who often presents on stuttering) that has stuck with me for many years.  He discussed the emotional factors of stuttering as one of the most important points to address in therapy.  He explained that everyone needs to have a positive self image (those who stutter and those who do not).  If you have that type of self image, others cannot successfully tease or bully you.  People are quick to learn what issues you feel "shame" about and target those areas.  For him, he stated no one could tease him about being bald no matter what was said as he felt no shame.  However, if a statement was made about his weight, that would effect him... as that was his "shame issue."  I try to really push this idea in my therapy sessions with students I work with.  It is, of couse, easier said than done, but I feel it is good food for thought.  Additionally, when self advertisement is used, it takes away the fear that the listener will find out the speaker stutters as well as gives the listener a heads up that he/she might see the speaker stutter- decreasing anxiety for both parties.

One example I have is with my student who attends the TWST group... He was on the playground 6 years ago as a 2nd grader when he was engaged by another student (who I happened to be observing).  The student I was observing challenged the boy who stutters about what happened in the game that was being played.  The boy who stuttered answered him exhibiting multiple repetitions.  The student I was observing said that he (the boy who stutters) lied because his dad told him people who don't give answers with smooth speech are lying.  The student who stutters confidently said, "I'm not lying, I just stutter!"  The issue was dropped as the boy I was observing had no come-back.  

Choices

The focus at our support group meeting yesterday was voluntary stuttering. We talked about it at length, asking very specific, detailed questions. What is it, exactly? How do you do it? Why in the world would you want to? And how does it work to make stuttering easier, sometimes make it even disappear?

To be perfectly accurate, voluntary stuttering isn't really stuttering as we commonly think of it. When you stutter on purpose, the point isn't to make believe that you are a stutterer. As one of our group members put it, you're not Colin Firth playing King George VI. In voluntary stuttering the focus is much narrower. Your goal is simply to elongate the first sound of a word--one that you don't fear, at first; later you work up to feared words--in a relaxed, calm manner. Instead of I'd like some ice cream, you say, I'd lllllike ssssome ice ccccream.

No doubt about it, you will sound strange. You will probably feel as nervous and self-conscious as when you're stuttering "for real." And the last thing you need, as a stutterer, is to put yourself in situations that will make you feel weird and nervous and self-conscious. You get enough of that without asking for it. Why in the world would you seek it out on purpose?

There's a strange magic in making a conscious choice to do something. It puts you in charge. Things are no longer happening to you while you're standing by, helplessly caught in the current of the moment. You are the one who is making things happen. It doesn't matter that they may be unpleasant. Choosing to do something difficult changes the difficulty of the thing itself. More importantly, it changes what you get out of doing it.

What I get out of stuttering on purpose is a sense that I'm not a victim. Sure, I didn't choose to be a person who stutters. But I can definitely choose how I go about being a person who stutters. There's a difference, a subtle but important one. It's as if someone had thrown me in a game whose rules I don't understand, and all that happens when I'm on the field is that I get hit in the face with the ball. I can choose to give up, run to the remotest corner and hide there out of the way of the ball. Or I can decide to learn the rules of the game, confusing as they might be, and get out there and try to hit the ball myself and score a goal. I can choose to play.

To me, voluntary stuttering is choosing to play. The ball will hit you in the face from time to time. It will hurt. But other times you will find yourself running free, in complete charge of what's happening, knowing exactly what you have to do to get the ball through the goal posts. For that feeling, for that moment, it's worth playing with everything you've got.

Article: The Paralysis of Stuttering

The Paralysis of Stuttering by Francine du Plessix Gray, a former stutterer herself, in the current issue of The New York Review of Books, discusses stuttering and several excellent books (both fiction and non-fiction) on the subject. Well-worth reading.

Eye Contact

It's easy to forget, when you stutter, that the way people communicate with one another isn't just through words. Non-verbal communication accounts for at least half of the information that gets exchanged when we talk to someone else. Our posture, hand gestures, and tone of voice matter a great deal. For stutterers, this isn't always a positive thing. Sometimes we try to compensate for the hesitation and fear and distrust we have about words by exaggerating (often unconsciously) our body language.

But there is one unequivocally positive component of non-verbal communication that we can focus on when we talk to someone: eye contact. It isn't very hard to maintain eye contact when we are fluent. It becomes almost impossible when we get stuck and stutter. This makes sense. It feels strange to look into someone's eyes when your mouth is open and no sound is coming out, or when the sounds that do manage to come out are repetitive or garbled. It's humiliating and embarrassing. So we look away. In the moment, it gives us a little break. It makes things easier.

Long term, however, it makes things harder. By looking away we're unintentionally sending the message--to the other person and also to ourselves--that we're not really worth talking to. We imply that our words don't really matter because we're not saying them with perfect fluency. We give short shrift to what we have to say and overvalue how we say it.

I told myself for a long time that I would maintain eye contact when I stuttered just as soon as I gained enough confidence to do it. But confidence doesn't work that way. It doesn't grow by itself; it's fed and strengthened by what you do. At first, you have to maintain eye contact even if you don't feel like it, even when it seems stupid and pointless. You do this again and again until something changes. And something does change. You begin to feel a difference.

What's the difference? The conviction--slow but sure in coming--that you are the equal of the person you're talking to, no matter that the other person is fluent and sometimes you're not. People respond to that. More importantly, you'll respond to that. It's easier to work on improving your fluency when you think well of yourself. When you believe that you have something worth saying, chances are you'll say it better.

And if you don't say it as well as you would have liked, that's just a temporary setback. There's always next time. For people who believe in themselves, failure is just another chance to get better.

Facing Up

The only way to defeat fear is to face up to it. At last night's meeting, all of us stood up and gave a short speech. We were all nervous. A part of us didn't want to do it. But we didn't let that part win. We stuttered sometimes, and we were fluent sometimes. But we spoke. We made ourselves heard. We proved to ourselves that we can do it.

It was an especially difficult challenge because we had guests, students from the graduate program in speech pathology at Cal State Fullerton. They asked about the role of speech therapists in our lives: what it was in reality, what it should be ideally. The answer: the perfect speech therapist listens more than speaks; is supportive; pushes us to do the things we're afraid of; understands that stuttering isn't just about speech, it's about us who we are as a whole; tailors the therapy to our particular needs instead of following a rigid program.

No matter what our experiences with speech therapy have been like, I think it's useful to engage with the topic, to answer questions from speech therapists in training. Yes, it helps them. But it also helps us. We can gain a better understanding of what we need as people who stutter. And if we understand what we need, we can then work on giving it to ourselves, rather than rely on someone from the outside to do it. We can listen to and respect ourselves; acknowledge that we aren't just people who stutter but complex human beings with many strengths and talents; we can challenge ourselves to face our fears and become better communicators.

One of our group members suggested a self-help book he found particularly useful: William D. Parry's Understanding and Controlling Stuttering. Did you read it? What did you think? Are there other books that you found helpful and inspiring?

The great thing about facing your fear of speaking is that the more you do it, the better at it you get. Maybe you don't get as good as you'd like at speaking fluently all the time. But you get really good at not being afraid. In my view, that's the greater good and something really worth working hard for.

Small Steps

What most stuck with me from our meeting yesterday was the idea of making small changes. It's obvious, I know. We're more likely to succeed if we break a daunting task into small assignments and set ourselves less glamorous but manageable goals. But it's also easy to forget. As stutterers, we want so much to speak fluently that it's hard to take our eyes off that enormous prize and try to figure out what small steps we can take in order to actually get there.

They can be annoying, these tiny steps, because they're so, well, tiny. Often it seems unlikely that they'll actually make a difference. Will it really matter in the long run if I read out loud to myself for a few minutes every day practicing continuous phonation? Can it really count to focus on easy onsets for two or three minutes while I'm having a chat with a trusted friend? If I commit to speaking up at a support group meeting, even if it's just a handful of words? Or keep eye contact for two or three seconds as I stutter?

The answer is yes. All these apparently insignificant things count. They accumulate. They build up into something significant. It's a gradual process, like any kind of growth. For a long time it's hard to see the results. But eventually they do show. You begin to trust more and more in your ability to communicate effectively with others. It's like a muscle: the more you exercise it, the stronger it gets. It's important to be persistent, to push past your limits. But not too much, not too fast, not too hard.

True, sometimes it feels like the work will never be done, the fight will never be won. The day when I can lay down my arms and not struggle so hard seems far away, out of reach. I have to confess I'm a little disheartened by this. But I take comfort and pride in the fact that the more I do the work, the easier it gets. It's a great accomplishment to be strong enough to do it, to have the courage to stick with it day in and day out. It's good preparation for the rest of our lives.

Feb 29 Mtg Update: Go Out There & Do

People who stutter will surprise you. Their speech might sometimes sound "funny," but if you take the time to listen, to get past appearances, you discover truly amazing individuals. They've accomplished so much in spite of the continuous struggle with their speech. They've made a point not to give up, no matter how hard the going gets. They have dreams for themselves, and they work hard to make them come true.

One of our group members had the dream of being a public speaker. Can you imagine being a stutterer and at the same time wanting more than anything to speak to large groups of people and make your voice heard? Another group member recently got his master's degree, coaches a high school lacrosse team, and also works as a waiter. How amazing that he embraced these opportunities instead of running away as fast as he could from having to give presentations, and to talk to teenagers and hungry strangers every day?

Their secret? Preparation and practice. They make sure they know their stuff. They practice every day the speech techniques they've found useful. And they don't stop doing. The only way to build confidence that you can do something is to go out there and do it. Sure, you will fail sometimes. But you are also strong enough to learn from your mistakes, to bounce back. We all know this. But to see it work in someone's life is an amazing thing.

Behind the bluster, Kenyon Martin has a heart Martin was teased as a child because he stuttered. Today the tough guy helps organizations that aid stu

I'm not as big a sports fan as I once was, but I follow sports a little. I came across this article in the 2/23/12 LA Times. It's about a player on the Clippers who stutters. Here's the link: http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-simers-clippers-20120223,0,7223916.column. When I first moved to Seattle in 1990, I heard about another NBA player who stuttered: Bob Love of the Chicago Bulls. I even contacted him about joining the Seattle NSA (then NSP) group. He was working at a restaurant at the time.

Feb 13 Meeting Update

Stuttering is not an "it," it's an "I."

The focus of our meeting on Monday evening was the "I" at the center of what we experience as stuttering. That experience isn't just about the way our speech sounds. It's also about the way we think about ourselves. How do we answer the question: who am I? Are we able to see stuttering in the context of everything else that we are? Can we see what's right with us, not just what's wrong?

One member in our group wrestled with this recently. He had to give a presentation at work, and--this will sound awfully familiar to all of us--during the week before the presentation he spent a lot of time preparing his speech and thinking (sometimes with dread, sometimes with hope) about what would happen. In the midst of all these thoughts and emotions, he realized that what really, really mattered was not whether he was going to stutter or not during the presentation. Instead, what mattered was whether he was going to choose to be okay with stuttering if it did happen. Was he going to label himself as a stutterer and nothing more? Or would he be able to look at himself as a whole person, with valuable abilities and strengths and a voice worthy to be heard?

That choice is the hardest part of the work we do as stutterers. It's also the most rewarding. At the end of Monday night's meeting we went round the table and tried to answer this question: If you could go back in time, what would you tell your frightened and angry ten-year-old self about stuttering, knowing all you know now?

Here are the answers:

Stuttering isn't all you are. 

Don't blame anyone for it, including yourself. 

There is something you can do about it. 

Stop hiding. Get our there and speak. 

You'll have noticed that none of these answers is about special fluency shaping or stuttering modification techniques. It's about how to see yourself, how to relate to the whole of who you are.

Stuttering is not an "it," it's an "I."

And that "I" has the power to change.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Conference

It was a powerful experience to spend  last Saturday together with people so passionate about speaking out about stuttering, and so eager to support people who stutter as well as their families. For me, the best thing was to be reminded, in the words of one teen, that, though we're stutterers, we're normal kids, too--granted, of a wide variety of ages! A parent drove the message home even more strongly: everyone struggles with something, he said. For us it just happens to be stuttering.

The speakers, panels and workshops addressed a wealth of topics: what parents can do to be there for children who stutter, how to build confidence in ourselves as communicators, ways to respond to bullies, the newest medical treatments, the importance of continuing to educate ourselves and others about stuttering, how to trust ourselves and participate in our speech therapy actively as experts--after all, who knows more about our stutter than we do? This means indentifying what works best for us and practicing those techniques as often as we can. I'd like to share some of the techniques that stutterers of all ages found the most useful.

• PHRASING: breaking down what you want to say into small, more manageable chunks.
• EASY ONSETS: when a word begins with a hard sound (like p or b), use little pressure (instead of heavy pressure) to enunciate that first sound, so that you can ease into the word, or slide into it smoothly.
• CREATING A RHYTHM (by discreetly tapping your fingers, for example) for your speech, so that your words and your breathing move at a comfortable, even pace.
• JUST DO IT: the only way to build your confidence about speaking is to speak. Several people said that they were grateful to their speech therapist for pushing them to get out there and speak, because the more they did it, the more they believed they could do it, and the better they became at it.
• RECORDING YOUR VOICE:  There's a software program, called SpeechFlare, that allows you to record your voice and see it mapped out on the screen: the rhythm and inflection of your speech graphed out, with the places you stumbled clearly marked. It's a good tool to figure out exactly what happens when you stutter, and to help you focus in on the specific things you need to work on.
• HUMOR: a light-hearted approach to your speech can work wonders. Of course for many of us this isn't easy at all. In fact, it can seem downright ridiculous. But I can attest to the fact that it's possible: so many stutterers at the conference are witty, funny people and I laughed out loud at their jokes and wry comments.
• SELF-ACCEPTANCE and SELF-RESPECT: a stutterer at the conference said that all the techniques she learned in speech therapy really started working when she began to believe that as a stutterer there was nothing wrong with her, that she wasn't an inferior human being but someone worthy of respect and love. Believing in yourself is the foundation for everything else.
• SUPPORT FROM OTHERS: when it's hard, and it may even seem impossible, to believe in yourself, having someone who can do that for you, who is on your side, whom you can count on is invaluable. Pay attention: that someone may be closer and more accessible to you than you think.
• EXPERIMENT: Treat your stutter the way a scientist would treat an unknown aspect of the natural world. Examine it, research it, experiment with it, come up with hypotheses and test them. Stuttering is a really fascinating phenomenon when you look at it this way. Holding on to that sense of wonder about what's happening to you can help you honor who you are. Yes, we are imperfect, but our imperfections are actually quite interesting!

What do you think? Have you tried any of these techniques? How have they worked for you? Have you gotten together lately with other people who stutter? What was it like? Be part of the conversation. Make your voice heard.

Jan 25 Meeting Update

It was great to see some new faces at our last meeting at beautiful Katie Wheeler Library (pictured to the left), as well as familiar ones. The effort you make to show up is much appreciated.

We followed loosely our new Toastmasters format, and it was fun and instructive. One member gave a speech, after which we had a discussion on the speech topic, and then we did some reading out loud. It's amazing to hear how people's speech changes when they read. Fluency seems almost effortless, although of course we all know it's not. Like ducks paddling under the smooth surface of water, we're working hard to apply the techniques we've learned in speech therapy.

But it's so confidence-inspiring to see that we do have the ability to be fluent, that the stuttering-modification and fluency-shaping techniques work. We can count on them and on ourselves. That's an invaluable thing for those of us who feel, when we stutter, like the ground has suddenly disappeared from under our feet and there's nothing to hold on to.

If you have stories about times when the techniques you learned in speech therapy worked in everyday life, please share them! It'll encourage each one of us to stay positive and continue working on improving our speech.

Public Speaking

Many of us want to practice our public speaking skills, so we've decided to organize our second meeting of the month (coming up on Wednesday, January 25th) like a Toastmasters meeting. (Our first meeting of the month will keep its usual format). Here's the list of activities we're planning:

1. Prepared Speeches. These can be 2-10 minutes long. You can prepare your own speech (if you need ideas for how to choose topics for your speech, this article will help), or you can read a speech by someone else (here's a list of famous speeches, and here's another).

2. Evaluations.  Feedback will be given regarding pauses ("um", "ah," "you know") and repetitions, grammar, and the content and delivery of the speech (was it interesting, was it clear). At least two positive comments are required.

3. Table Topics. These are off-the-cuff speeches, 1-2 minutes long. Members prepare 1-2 questions to ask the speakers.

4. Jokemaster. The person who volunteers as jokemaster for the day will tell a joke.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT NONE OF THESE ACTIVITIES ARE MANDATORY. You can come to the meeting and just observe. You can also give a speech but ask not to receive an evaluation if that is too much for where you are right now. Do what is useful for you, and don't worry about the rest.

Please come to the January 25th meeting and tell us what you think about this new meeting structure and how we can improve it so that you can get the most out of it. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

January 9 Meeting Update

We started our meeting by discussing the upcoming conference organized by the National Association for People Who Stutter, along with The Stuttering Foundation and Chapman University. It takes place on February 4 at Chapman University in Orange. It looks like an excellent opportunity to get together with other people who stutter, and it's in our neck of the woods, an extra incentive to attend. If you'd like more information, call 866-866-8335, or take a look at the conference flyer.

Next, we read an article from Six Minutes about changing our attitude and vocabulary about our speech. The article focuses on public speaking, but the suggestions it offers can very easily be applied to everyday speaking situations. Its central idea is to replace thinking about speaking as an obligation --"I have to do it"--with treating it as a privilege--"I have something important to contribute to the conversation and I'm being given the chance to do so." I know I struggle constantly with feeling that I don't have the right to say anything because the way I say it can sound "weird," so I found this article very encouraging.

Once again we discussed speaking on the phone, which is such a big challenge for many of us. Matt, our co-leader, mentioned a co-worker who keeps a small mirror on his desk by the phone so he can monitor himself as he speaks and get instant feedback about how he's doing. The co-worker doesn't stutter; he's using the mirror just to improve his general communication skills. We thought it was a rather good idea, although for people who stutter it may require a great deal of courage to look at themselves in a mirror as they speak. What do you think? Could you do it? And how useful do you think it would be?

Speaking of feedback, we'd like to know what you think about creating a buddy system in our support group. Some of us are working on specific speaking skills and would appreciate having someone to be accountable to. Others would just like someone to talk to when we come up against a speaking challenge, big or small. There's nothing like having someone who will listen to you patiently, understand exactly how you're feeling and give you solid and honest advice.

See you all at the next meeting!

StutterTalk.com

I hope all of you will check out this wonderful resource for people who stutter:

StutterTalk is a weekly, free podcast about stuttering. Since 2007, we have published more than 300 episodes. In addition to interviewing many people who stutter, StutterTalk has featured conversations with famous people who stutter including David Seidler, the academy award winning scriptwriter of the King's Speech, John Stossel from ABC and Fox News, Jack Welch from General Electric and the British author David Mitchell. We have featured many renowned researchers and speech-language pathologists including Dr. Dennis Drayna from the National Institutes of Health, Dr. Gerald Maguire from the University of California and Dr. Patricia Zebrowski from the University of Iowa. 

StutterTalk has covered important topics with special series. For example, we have published:

• a four part series on Lidcombe treatment for preschoolers who stutter
• a three part series on a student who stutters facing potential discrimination
• a three part series on the SpeechEasy device
• a four part series on costal breathing

StutterTalk really appreciates hearing from friends of the show and listeners. Recently several listeners asked for an episode on fluency shaping. StutterTalk responded with Fluency Shaping and Stuttering with Dr. Joseph Klein (episode 309).

StutterTalk has also been asked by listeners for more episodes which discuss coping and treatment. In response, we have started a new series called Tips from Pros. Each episode features a leading professional commenting on strategies to manage stuttering. Last week Dr. Phil Schneider discussed tips for parents and in November Dr. Robert Quesal discussed tips formanaging stuttering during the holidays. Upcoming episodes will discuss freezing, cognitive restructuring, rate control,stuttering openly and voluntary stuttering. 

Subscribing and listening to StutterTalk is free. You may download StutterTalk episodes from our website and subscribe via iTunes and other free services.